In Bed with Big Government

By Timb

The big news last week was that President Obama exempted religious organizations from paying for contraceptives. I say last week because it has only been out of the news cycle a couple days and already people have stopped caring. This is why most people in power don’t give a damn about public outrage; to paraphrase the satirical BP Global PR, “we appreciate your anger, but sadly we feel it is unsustainable.”

Well, I completely missed the boat to comment on that one, so instead of trying to catch the tail end of some other story, I am going just start a new topic and see if it catches on.

Oral sex is illegal in Maryland.

So is sodomy, and every other "unnatural or perverted sexual practice," what ever that means. But today, let's talk about oral sex (baby). This is one of those outdated laws that has never been repealed, and it’s not hard to figure out why. As much as politicians strive for that earned media, this is not the kind of story most would like to be featured in. No one in the General Assembly wants their name under the headline “Senator gives oral the nod.” It is not exactly a great career move in politics to be known as Delegate Goodhead (although, in defense of the name, as a physicist, astronaut and CIA agent, Dr. Goodhead is arguably the most intelligent heroine in any of the Bond films). I am sure there are a lot of frustrated journalists out there that thought of a great pithy headline only after the Wiener Scandal died down; journalists that would jump at another chance to publish a witty pun.

But nevertheless, under Maryland law, oral sex is on the same plane as bestiality, subject to imprisonment not exceeding 10 years or a fine not exceeding $1,000 or both (Md. CRIMINAL LAW Code Ann. § 3-322: “Unnatural or perverted sexual practice”).

The obvious argument is that we should ignore this outdated law, as it is simply no longer enforced (and we shall not venture to guess how law enforcement officers were expected to enforce it in the first place). But the fact that it is still on the books is at least a little troubling. Just last year the governor invoked a long forgotten law that hasn’t been used since 1973 to justify Plan Maryland, which the Sun dubbed a “significant power grab.” 

Another outdated law is the spigot tax, which I had never heard of until Delegate Kipke recently told the story on Purple Elephant Politics Radio. Passed in 1918, it taxed malt shops, drug stores and the like $50 for every soda spigot in the shop. When the era of the soda jerk ended, so did the tax; it was forgotten and therefore never repealed. In 2008, the Comptroller dredged up the law and decided to start enforcing it again. He issued a decision that modern soda fountains fell under the preview of this law, and businesses in Maryland would have to pay up. The average fast food restaurant/sub shop/place you eat has 8 to 12 soda spigots. For one amusement park on the boardwalk, having thousands of spigots, it amounted to a $10,000 fee for serving soda. Delegate Kipke and Delegate (now Senator) Mathias led the effort to repeal this tax, and were successful, before it was ever collected. 

The oral sex ban is still the law of Maryland, and is entirely enforceable if anyone ever desired to dig it up. Of course, most of what I say here is in a joking manor; there is no way to talk about sex and government without it becoming at least a bit ridiculous. But what is more ridiculous, talking about oral sex, or the fact that in Maryland, IT IS AGAINST THE LAW?

As Will Rogers said of Congress: “every time they make a joke it’s a law, and every time they make a law, it’s a joke.”

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