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Health & Fitness

Blog: How to Make Your Children Listen in Three Easy Steps

Three simple steps to increasing compliance in children.

Last weekend I was sitting on my deck early in the morning when I heard my neighbor give The Count.   As a former count-aholic myself, I recognized the familiar tone of frustration mixed with desperation.  

Parents know just what I’m talking about.  We give our children directions.  We repeat the directions.  We repeat the direction again...and again.  Our children ignore us, claiming temporary hearing loss. We know better.  We imagine beaming something at them to knock their hearing back.  We don’t because we are good parents, but just the brief image gives us pleasure.   As the steam starts to escape our ears, we start counting through our teeth.   By the time we pull The Count out of our parenting bag of tricks, we are tired and exasperated, standing on the border of the land called I’m about to lose it on my child

Most parents have heard themselves say, “I am going to count to three.  One…Two…Two and a half…”  After two and a half, children miraculously regain hearing and start scrambling with promises of “I’m doing it!”  It’s frustrating and exhausting. Why can’t children do anything without The Count?

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Several years ago, I heard the best advice ever.  I can’t remember anymore where I heard the tidbit; knowing my extremely cultured taste, it was probably on Oprah or Dr. Phil.  Are you ready parents? Here is the advice: STOP COUNTING.  When parents count, children learn that they don’t have to listen to anything parents say until they hear the count begin, and they don’t have to actually do anything until parents get close to, or past, the count of three.  At first, I thought this was the biggest bunch of hooey I had ever heard.  Aren’t good parents supposed to give warnings and opportunities for compliance?

The expert gave a sequence of steps to use instead.  It’s a sequence I will share with you now because it saved my sanity.  First, get your child’s attention. Make sure your child is looking at you so there can be no claims of not having heard you later.   Next, give your direction in a short, simple statement.  Give your child a few seconds to comply. Children generally don't need more than ten to fifteen seconds to listen and process what you are asking.  If they take more time, they are most likely ignoring you.  If your child doesn’t comply within those few seconds, resist the urge to start counting.   Instead say, “I told you to do (fill in the blank). You have two choices, you can either (do whatever you want them to do) or (consequence).”  Hold up two fingers when giving the statement. As the child gets used to hearing this option and seeing two fingers, the parent will eventually be able to hold up two fingers without saying a word and the child will know they have to hop to it or they are going to be in trouble.

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I would never believe this technique if I didn’t try it myself, but the two fingers trick actually works.  Now, if your child complies, you tell them what a great job they did following directions.  If the child doesn’t comply, you follow through with your consequence.  Even if the child runs to comply as you are bum rushing them, still give the consequence.  When you follow through with your consequence immediately, you teach your child that they must listen to your directions the first time presented and at the pace that you deem appropriate, not at the pace they decide.  This technique puts parents back in charge of the situation.

Now, I chose to ignore this good piece of advice for a long time because I have read the parenting books, I have a background in psychology, I know better.  As it turns out, I’m a big idiot who should have run out and tried this technique the first time I heard it.  It took me several months and thousands of counts to conjure this piece of advice from my memory and apply it to my own life.  It changed my life and my relationship with my children. In one week’s time, my children started listening to me the first time I spoke. Now, I speak and my children listen.  I don’t even have to hold up two fingers anymore. I haven’t counted in years. 

As parents, you may tuck this away as another piece of pop psychology to be ignored.  That’s fine, for now. Tuck it away. Think about it.  The next time you have daydreams of chucking your remote control at your child’s head because they are ignoring you yet again, give this technique a try.

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